One week ago today, I was several minutes outside Baltimore, Maryland on my annual trip to D.C. to visit my best friends Steve & Lawrence, partake in great food, shopping, and take in a show. The show was by the amazing Miss Mary Wilson, founding and lasting member of The Supremes. The show was rapture and I even got to meet her afterwards, and she signed my records. Very nice and beautiful lady.

But I also made a different type of trip. I had a hook-up, and it was fantastic, but in the process I hurt a dear friend of mine. All of this just a week or two shy of my 24th birthday. What does all this really mean? Or amount to I suppose? Growing up, as the title states. In different ways. Looking back over this journal, it is interesting to look at the changes that I've gone through, especially in terms of how I posted so much then, and less now.

I think I've grown to expect in the realm of dating and men, that it is rather ruthless. To survive, one has to adapt and take on an air of aloofness. That's the easy part, the hard part is to not let that coldness seep into your overall moral actions and spirit.

Growing in  realizing that only I can achieve specific dreams, like finishing my collegiat education, and at the same time letting go of ones that may not really reward me in the long run. Growing to learn how small moments really do matter and that nothing is ever certain.

Just a few thoughts I wanted to share. Happy Birthday to me everyone. Catch you soon.

It has been a little while. But, I kind of wanted to see where 2009 would lead me, thus far. It has been...an enlightening trip. There are still a few things I am not to sure about, like untangling the financial knot of school and starting again. I have no choice but to really, for me, getting this bachelor's degree is very important for me. I feel that once I've gotten it a big part of my adult quest will be fulfilled.

Love is becoming more of an elusive fever dream, like quicksilver. I've been dating casually, and that is nice, I had a date yesterday and that took us to the film "Revolutionary Road" with DiCaprio and Winslet, which was excellent. Fitting that I'm wanting to find this man that will allow me to love him, and will love me, and the film exposed all my fears of stagnation in a relationship. Gaurin, the man who I allowed to be inside of me after a year of no sexual contact, has become a slight, but kind stranger. Laying in Nathan's bed the night before, I was thinking that I'd like to see Gaurin again. And at 33, versus Nathan's 36, it makes me feel more comofrtable. Then again, they both seem to be out to get the ass, and will show partially enough attention to mesmerize you into thinking they care

I've become so cynical. I wonder what happen to the Quentin who dreamed about love, even while fretting over it, several years back.

Hmmm. My new job is also a driving factor to me wanting my degree, Timw Warner Cable is such a means to an end, but free cable when I move out into my own place again in Dayton is also pretty damn ace too.

Enjoying these pure winter skies. All sharp blues and bright sun bursts, and cold wind whisps, but I'm aching for some spring really I am. We'll see.

I've been accused of doing things my way, pushing others away, and never compromising. Especially when it comes to my family. I love them very much, enjoy their company, but I never really feel like I'm apart of anything with them at times. I think it is me, as I tend to sort of shut myself away. Possibly because they only do things that seem to interest my Dad or Brandon, and Mom just goes along with it. Or, because I've always been overtly sensitive and don't like being the family pinanta every holiday, or I'm too over opinionated about music I suppose.

On the latter tip, I'm learning to internalize that, still trying to make it a physical manifestation. Not everyone shares the same passion or views, which is fine, but it seems that everyone can be as opinionated or uninformed as they'd like, yet I'm the unbearable bitch, or the untolerable one? It is slowly becoming a private pleasure and companion for me.

Spent last night, listening through a stack of my Carly Simon CD's, and it dawned on me that I may never find what it is I am looking for when it comes to love. I must not love myself enough to warrant being with anyone, I can admit that I guess, but at the same time...I wonder can anyone really love me for me? Past any of my barriers or walls. So, the gentleman whom I was gushing about last Saturday is sending me mixed signals. At this point, my disappointment has been muted, thankfully, by several years of experience in terms of making many mistakes with romance.

I suppose this is no different. I'm ready for it to vanish on the wind, and for me to keep on trucking toward my on future. That's alright and I'll be alright as always, even though a part of me inside will be sad and surely wonder why this is happening again.

The holidays are odd for me as I divide between caught up in the euphoric experience of togetherness with family and friends, but at the same time I feel the furthest from them during these periods. I should stop doing that, and maybe do things on their terms, but not only is it boring, it seems like I'm the only one having to give up any amount of comfort. That doesn't seem fair to me.

I just don't know sometimes.